6 Steps for Self-Love: You Can Absolutely Find It!

Self-love can be harder than it sounds, but it is absolutely not impossible.

In this day of media overload, we often look to others to help us feel good about ourselves. We look at pictures of other people and compare ourselves. We post online videos, pictures, memes, etc. to express who we are, and we hurt when our postings are criticized. Like the Tin Man and Scarecrow and Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz, we look for something to make us feel worthy, valid or whole. 

Looking outside ourselves for validation is not in and of itself a bad practice. However, when we look only outside ourselves for self-validation, it is a problem. No one other person can ever really keep us happy. Think about it. I know I can not keep someone happy and be happy, too. 

When I divorced my first husband, I felt so lost. I had committed myself to him and my children and what I thought was happiness for all of us. I legitimately felt like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, like I had been deposited in a foreign place far from home. I so, so wanted to get back to happy. 

I went to more than one therapist/counselor to help me traverse the “yellow brick road” of a new life. I had a couple of psychic readings. Many times I was told to learn to love myself or do something for myself. Like many, I am goal oriented, so I thought if I could just get a picture of what self-love looked like, I could work toward it. Oddly, it didn’t seem to work that way. 

I had no idea what self-love meant or what I was supposed to do to achieve it. 

Over the years, I’ve discovered that many other people have the same difficulty with what self-love looks like. It took time to figure it out. Psychic reading clients often are looking to attract (by the Law of Attraction) a great partner. Yet, I found that until I created a better version of myself that I loved, I couldn’t attract a better version of a partner. Read that again.  Until I created a better version of myself that I loved, I couldn’t attract a better version of a partner. 

Like Dorothy, I realized I had what I was seeking all along. Interestingly, when my self-love cup became fuller, I needed less validation from a partner or friend. Also, I commanded more respect because I deserved it. 

So, how does one walk down the yellow brick road to the Emerald City of self-love? I have 6 processes you can work on to find your best path.

One – Stop an inner dialogue that limits your self-love!

For years I taught high school English. I had a student who had more potential in her little finger than I ever expected to have. She was charming, goal-oriented, emotionally intelligent…but she apologized for herself all the time. One time I said to her, “Stop apologizing all the time. You’re amazing.” Of course, she said, “I’m sorry.” We laughed. However, she did stop apologizing. 

Even if right now you don’t believe it, stop apologizing out loud. That places you in a lower energy. You will be amazed how much you will begin to feel better if you just don’t verbalize apologies all the time.

Two – Realize that Self-Love isn’t Self-Ish. 

Many of us (myself included) have been trained to believe we are more noble if we don’t put ourselves first. I, too, have done that. I was so damned noble that I martyred myself. So, when I began to try and love myself, I felt such guilt.

Guilt. Is. Pointless. Again, like apologizing, it puts us in a lower vibration. Talk to yourself and tell yourself you have done the best you could with what you understood. Release that low vibe and allow your mistakes. Forgive yourself. Now you are loving yourself. 

This must be a very important part of this article, because at the moment I was writing, out of the blue, a sweet friend texted me the poem  “Our Deepest Fear”  by Marianne Williamson. I encourage you to read the whole thing, but the first line of it says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” 

Could it be that we get comfortable with our lower vibe sometimes? What’s the saying? Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know? Could that be keeping you from loving yourself? What if you are powerful beyond measure? Ask yourself, “Am I holding back because this is familiar?”

Three – You were programmed to not self-love yourself. 

So, there’s nothing you did wrong.

I’m a mom. I had a mom. She had a mom. We all coaxed our kiddos to always share, and we taught them to always be willing to give to others. We even applauded when they gave to others when they didn’t want to. We trained them. I was trained. My mother was trained (ad infinitum) to not love self more than others. It’s just what we all knew. 

Once I realized my mom did the best she could, I stopped blaming her and myself for misalignment in being selfish. I began to encourage my kids to speak their truth and live their truth. 

Also, many of us sought truth in a religion that told us to be selfless and we would win favor. As a result, we saw the ignoring of ourselves as noble and commendable. We forgot that Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Therefore, self love is first then you can love your neighbor.  

Think about that. We all know someone who is just, well, mean. Do they love themselves? I’ll bet they don’t.

Four – Be your best you in some way

If you have something about yourself you do not like, go for it. Start with something easy. You will find more and more to self love yourself over. I started getting manicures regularly after my husband passed away. I allowed that luxury as non-negotiable. I felt so much better about myself with that. To me, I always saw women I admired with such pretty nails. Now, I am that woman. That one thing created so many other desires to improve myself. My self-love expanded. 

Color your hair. Lose a little weight. Get a facial. Buy that pair of jeans that makes you feel fantastic. Get that manicure. 

Five – Self-loving yourself requires a commitment to see your value regularly. 

Once you begin your journey, you need to commit. You. Are. Worth. It. What do you have to lose? Begin your day seeing something good about yourself. I started by saying out loud, “I am the best me today that I have ever been.” or “I love my manicure.” Everyone has something positive to say about themselves. Start with one thing and gather momentum. More will come. 

Plus, So what if you fail at something? If you do, see it as a learning experience.

Six – Get a self-love psychic or energy reading. 

That can be a great start! A psychic reading may help you identify an area or areas on which you need to work. Where did you get off track? Where can you get on track? Are you stuck? What is spirit’s advice?

This is definitely one way to start your shift of focus. With a psychic reading you are telling the universe to help some part of you.

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